For the past year, I have written my thoughts on microsoft word, and now because I remembered this blog I will just post all of my writings here. Forgive me, much of my writing is gibberish. I read a couple of them and felt silly. Still I believe it is important to share what I thought, so I can know that I am a person, so that you know I am a person, so that you can know that I am fallible.
I began writing after my friend recommended it. I tried to write daily, but school sometimes got in the way, and made me forget. Anyways, here are all of my writings:
May 25, 2012
So today I’m going to start this diary. It is May 25, 2012.
Today I felt that I had many insights. Right now I am thinking about how petty
the world problems are. Yet as I say this, I feel like I am not filled with the
Holy Spirit. I am unable to describe this feeling. I feel blissful, but not
ignorant. That’s what I feel right now. I have already forgotten most of my
thoughts, right now I am watching Tangled I See The Light music video. I think
it’s really beautiful. Earlier I had an insight about singing, and trumpet
playing. I have to focus on expanding my diaphragm and keeping it expanded. I
realize now that God has a everything taken care of. HE has opened all the
doors for us, we just have to walk through them. I say that as if it’s a simple
thing to do, but as humans corrupted by sin, and separated from God, it’s
difficult. These thoughts are very unorganized, but lately I have been feeling
really tense lately. It’s because we are a reflection of our environment, but
now I don’t want to be a reflection of the environment, I want to be a
reflection of God. To do that I suppose we would have to read the Bible, lately
I haven’t and if I believe I had I wouldn’t have made this great insight. It’s
been a month since I have watched porn, and saying this makes me tense up. I
think that’s what the devil wants, for people to be tense. So we talk about the
little things such as being late, or being embarrassed, etc. Jesus’ prayer
reflects how little of importance it is. Father in Heaven, Hallowed be Your
name Your kingdom come, Your will be
done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, Give us today our daily bread, forgive us
our debts, as we have forgiven others of their debts, lead us not into
temptation, and deliver us from the evil one. Notice that Delivering from the evil
should be last. I believe that it is because if you have God in your mind and
in your sight. You will not fear the Evil one anymore, because God is in
control and rules over your life. I know later there will be another inner
conflict for me, but today there is not. I am in bliss, but not ignorant. The
sin will be taken care of by God, we just have to accept that we can do
nothing, except accept God. Even then God chose His followers. So He really is
great.
May 30, 2012
I haven’t been writing much, because I did not believe in
its importance, but now it is very important to me. Today in school I had
nothing to do, so Zach and I talked a lot today, about many things, for example
Langston Hughes’s Salvation. From now on I will write every day, because after
reading a story or selection, I now feel compelled to express my thoughts as
clearly as the artist of the selection. Zach explained it today as drawing a
stick figure and painting the Mona Lisa. There is no depth in a stick figure,
just as there is no depth in an argument without evidence. You can be right
with what you say, but you can be more right. This false conception of
Christianity, you may feel it, but if you are not able to express it in a
manner that is convincing and backed with evidence, your faith is fragile,
there is no depth. On a lighter note, I found what I feel like is a good rap
artist, Macklemore. I’m listening to him right now. Back to what we did today,
I also read this selection by a “cripple”. She was very moving and had a lot of
good rhythms with her words. I remember most no one will ever adjust to life,
similar to how no one will ever adjust to a cripple. I also remember whenever
she asks God, “why did I have to be crippled” , she hears a reply, “why not.”
Writings like these compel me to express my thoughts and feelings more clearly.
I remember one time I was like this, I desired to write, but not like this, my
foundation for writing was weak and I didn’t know how to type as fast. I talked
with Sydney today. I remember how much I liked her. You could say that I
loved her to pieces too, similar to how she told me that she loved Nick to
pieces, but I realize now, those loves were superficial, based on a bull as a
foundation. One could argue from observation that I don’t know what I am
talking about due to the fact that I used to love her, and what I am saying is
based on jealousy. I wouldn’t be able to refute it. I can only say that I have
gotten over my jealousy, but no one can prove or disprove that idea. From what
she has told me, it would seem as if she had forgotten who to love first, and
that would be God. Facebook is a really bad medium for communication although
it is efficient, you cannot tell the other person’s emotions and the reader has
to interpret a lot of information.
Honestly I don’t know a lot of things and a lot of what I just said, was
assumptions. Remember God.
June 2, 2012
I am writing about yesterday. Today is actually June 3,
2012. I’m going to acknowledge God in everything. I am going to think about Him
all the time, I will try at least. I am going to quit my sinful ways through
Him, but I won’t stop being a sinner. I will always be a sinner until I die,
until my outer body dies. Every day we feel different feelings because we
change, but God never does. He is just too great to comprehend, so we can only
see one aspect of him at a time, He is everything, He is in everything. I am
not going to write about the sins I still have, such as reading hentai. I am
going to remember what God did for me. I trip up thinking that I am not a
sinner. You don’t become a Christian by not sinning, the first step to becoming
a Christian is reading the Bible. There you will find many answers. So many
answers that may not apply to you, or will apply to you and you won’t see that
it applies to you. Similar to how I think. I was watching movie trailers
yesterday, and also I read hentai and committed lust again, not the first time
since the retreat. I have lied to Sydney saying that when I am tempted I
turn to the Bible. I only turn sometimes, not all the time. I am not going to
say it is hard to quit, I haven’t even quitted so I can’t tell, but once I quit
I know it will be meaningless because I am still a sinner. I want to remember
that, but I know I’ll forget which is why I am writing it down here. I watch
movie trailers because I was bored, or I have forgotten about God. Sometimes I
feel like God is boring, because I am boring. There are so many things I don’t
know and will never know; I should want to know, I should desire to know, but
like my emotions that desire always changes. My desires change because the
world around me changes, and I am very changeable. I will never forget that I
am a sinner. I will never forget that I am a sinner. I will never forget that I
am a sinner. God is there always, keep Him within your heart. Keep Him within
your heart. I don’t know how to express myself, therefore I am wrong.
Acknowledge Him in everything you, so that you don’t lean on your own
understanding, but on His knowledge and wisdom. I haven’t done that thing, and
that is pretty simple, I have read it, I have remembered it , but that is not
enough, I haven’t remembered God in everything. I don’t want to cry out to God
like I used to because I remember what the Bible says, God knows what you need,
what you want before you pray, everything that I have needed or wanted was for
personal gain. I could cry to God all day like a heathen, but they would be for
personal purposes. I could cry out why God do I sin, and I would know the
answer before I asked Him. It’s not about the sin, It’s about Him.
June 3, 2012
Today is June 4, 2012 actually because the time is twelve
fourteen a.m. I am up this late because I have been trying to read and analyze
this book called dr. Zhivago. I cleaned up a lot today, not that it makes me a
better person. I have to keep remembering that I am a sinner, and that God is
the greater power, and that I am at his mercy. I have failed to acknowledge
God, in all my ways therefore I have sinned. I write this to instill that
principle in my head, because I fear that I will not be able to quit the porn/
lust addiction that I have. I admit that I am a sinner, but everyday it doesn’t
seem to apply until I say that I have sinned, and even when I have said I don’t
feel like I have sinned until I have
watched porn or read hentai again. It’s a difficult feeling, I feel like I am
slowly going back into the habit again, and that is what I fear. It’s only been
a day, and yet I have not acknowledged God in everything, I have not remembered
Him. I will eat the fruit of my evil ways. How can I forget God? I am such a
loser, and a dumbass because I can’t remember to acknowledge Him in everything
I do. I am a sinner, I am a sinner, I will be a sinner until I die. This is
similar to the theory I had before about quitting porn, I have to start a
different bad habit to do so, such as judging others, or holding myself in
esteem or pride. It’s hard for me to read Dr. Zhivago, because I am too easily
distracted. Pmemory supposedly helps you with concentration, but I am sure I
will lose something that I had before, such as innocence of knowledge. Which
leads me to ask some questions such as why do we get distracted? And is being
innocent better than being knowledgeable? There are so many questions, I don’t
know if I want them answered either. Are some questions meant to be unanswered?
Well that is a big dilemma and I know I will never solve life fully, there will
always be more questions than answers. Remember there is an infinite in every
second. I will never truly adjust to life. I also talked with Lydia today, and
I have stopped reading the Bible, a big problem, but when I was reading it, I
don’t know if I fully understood what I was reading. That should not stop me
from reading but it has. I said I would read it, but I haven’t. For God so
loved the world that He gave His only Son to die for us. Life is about
everything yet we make it about one thing, something that narrows our vision,
not that narrowing your vision is bad. Which leads me to the question How do we
define bad? Is it a violation of rights or feelings or emotions? How can our
emotions be valid or valued by the other person if they are not are friend?
There are too many things to write about, and such a small amount of time. I
believe experience holds answers, but I look at my father who is fifty and knows
very few, or maybe he isn’t able to put it into words, but we have already
decided that one who is not able to put something into words is wrong,
therefore my father is wrong. I suppose that even with age, people don’t have
to be very experienced. I am just experienced in a different area than he is.
Maybe I am trying to justify my father. I have inner conflict right now. I have
a feeling that my parents are going to divorce after all their children go to
college, or die before they are able to divorce. I know I am not the only one
in my family who watches pornography, I have told my brother about it and we
have talked. I feel like I shouldn’t be labeled as a porn addict, because I am
God’s child. I hope I have the guts to truly quit. I think that we will never
quit sin until the moment of our deaths. Once we die, the world, and sin has
lost its grip on us. We die on earth through baptism to be renewed, to come to
God. I thought of something very interesting. We cannot truly live, if we have
not truly died. Maybe that contradicts itself, but it sounds intriguing similar
to something a great philosopher says. My eyes are sagging closing for sleep,
so my writing should end soon. I have feelings for Annie, but I suppose I
should not act upon them, not because I am Christian, but I think it will only
make me happy momentarily, like getting a motorcycle, or xbox. I am totally
bored of playing xbox, it’s just something to do if my friends are here. So if
I date Annie which probably won’t happen, I feel like it would be something to
talk about between my friends, something new. For example “Oh you’re dating
Annie!?!?!” My self esteem would definitely go up, momentarily, but that’s
unimportant in comparison to God. Today we went to church and I played piano
with her. We have an agreement to where she will teach me how to play, and I
will do nothing for her. I really feel like, I am nothing to her. I can do
nothing for her, because she is a very self brought up woman. She knows what
she wants and she gets it, or she doesn’t seem to desire anything, because she
has God. I can’t be one to judge though, only God knows the hearts of other
people. I remember when I used to “like” Sydney
. Actually I loved her,
beyond life itself. That lasted for four years, the image that was stamped in
my brain was not of her, but of a reflection of God that I saw. It was not
Sydney. We are only mirrors. I remember a discussion I had between Zach. I haven’t introduced him to you yet diary, but I will later. I’m going to
bed now. I really need to increase my typing speed because this is way too
slow.
June 6, 2012
My name is George; I am a Christian; I hope that God
sees me as a Christian. My lifestyle is supposed to represent Christ, but
sometimes I make mistakes, I forget God’s laws, and sin. I know I will never be
free of sin until I die, which is comforting, but I am going to fight it with
the help of God. Isaac Newton once said, “The reason why I see farther than
other men is that I stand on the shoulders of giants. Blessed is the man who
walks not in the counsel of the wicked. I would be a hypocrite, if I admonished
the ones I loved to live in the counsel of the wise, because I was unknowing at
one time in my life. Verse one also says “nor stands in the way of sinners”, I have preached to the my second period
English class, that we should step in the way of sinners, we make laws stopping
them from committing sin. I have not held that argument with evidence, and it
was easily crushed by Alyssa Moino. She did not exploit the false statement as
she should have though. She could have used this quote as support to eradicate
my claim. “nor sits in the seat of scoffers”, honestly although I am tired, I
will continue writing. I just read an article by a Christian thinker, of the
false predictions of Harold Camping, who misrepresents Christianity. God may be
using him to prove the Bible true. There is a verse in the Bible that states
“Know this first of all, that in the last days mockers will come with their
mocking, following after their own lusts, and saying, “Where is the promise of
His coming? For ever since the fathers fell asleep, all continues just as it
was from the beginning of creation.” I can write this much from the words of
the Bible and yet I still don’t fully understand it yet. It humbles me right
now. I can’t say too much though, because I am tired. I don’t why we don’t try
to live every day. Remember to laugh sincerely, think with vigor and diligence,
and be emotionally moved to tears, everyday.
June 7, 2012
I am reading Genesis now and I would like to express my
thoughts upon it. First of all, as I read the first chapter of how God created
this world. It was very basic, I thought. God says something and it happens,
His Word has power. It can create. So I came to a thought that the part where
God creates the earth on the first day isn’t meant to be taken literally. I
believe that the first few acts were emphasizing the power of God and the lack
of power of man. I could be wrong though, one day may be relatively different
to God. Also I would like to add, how these first few lines credits the Bible
in my thought process occurring at the moment. If God’s words are power, then
that is the reason why we should read the Bible to enlighten ourselves, of
God’s power. I also ran into the question, “How did Moses write about this, if
Adam and Eve died before this, how was he able to give an account of something
that?” which makes me question the validity the beginning that he wrote of,
“was it an accurate account?” With science
I think that we know that earth was not created on the first day, or anything,
it slowly developed into what it was today, I believe I heard it to take
billions of years. Again I may be wrong, I desperately need to be enlightened
if my statement is blasphemy. Another important thing I read in this selection
was the importance of the Sabbath. God rested on the seventh day. I am confused
by what that means, but He also blessed the seventh day. My question is “what
is the seventh day for if God blessed it?” Another question I have is that if
we consider the previous thought process then the statement of the seventh day
would be false, unless that’s what the author wanted to emphasize. There was
nothing before God, because there was never a time when God didn’t exist. God
is eternity. In saying that, it is like dividing one by zero. If God always
existed, then how can we ask what came before God. Maybe it’s not something for
our human minds to understand that, maybe it is representative of the journey to
understand something great, I have no idea. If we said the wisest man in the
world was the man who recognized that he was stupid, I believe that is a good
definition of wise. Knowing of the greater power, understanding humility, and
God’s strength, is the beginning to wisdom. I don’t think we could ever truly
know of God’s strength, it’s something that we cannot even fathom. It’s just
like in Kafka on the Shore, when Nakata can’t think of anything beyond 100
dollars. Everything past that is a lot of money. Man cannot fathom infinite. I
believe that at the discovery of infinite, it was too great for one mind to
handle it, and he killed himself. So our minds have become dumb before its
presence. Well those are my reflections upon this first devotion. I know I could
not have done it, if God hadn’t been present.
June 10, 2012
Genesis chapter three verses one to sixteen. This chapter
talked about Abel and Cain, and their sacrifices. God favored one of them over
the other. My question is did God not know that Cain would be jealous? He did,
so then why provoke him into killing his brother? It’s definitely not God’s
fault He did not commit the act but He still killed Cain? I desperately need to
be enlightened before Him.
June 11, 2012
Noah was the only good person in the world at the moment, he
was not perfect, but he had favor in God’s eyes because he was the only one
that obeyed Him at the time. It is hard to listen to His word when surrounded
by so many temptations, but Noah with the help of God was able to do it, and
because Noah obeyed God, God chose Noah to be a part of something larger, the
building of an ark. This story teaches us, not to make compromises with God, we
have to obey Him down to the last letter of His command, otherwise, we are
disobeying God. If we disobey God, He will not provide for us. Thank you, God
for that enlightenment. In psalms two, it speaks of rulers who have kingdoms
that challenge the authority of God, all in vain. God speaks and laughs at
their unworthy attempts, I don’t know if that’s true, I think the author of
this passage was trying to say that God doesn’t fear any attempts of betrayal
by man, because He was already betrayed when we ate the fruit. He doesn’t fears
us, we should fear His wrath.
June 11, 2012
I had just watched a video on achieving goals and dreams,
and I don’t know how I feel. I desperately want to prove Timothy wrong on his
theory that teenagers aren’t emotional, or their emotions are dulled. I
desperately want to prove him wrong, that genetics are what bring people into
the NBA. I desperately want to prove the world wrong. That they are broken, but
now I have come to realize that I am broken too. I would be a hypocrite in
saying anything. I want to make a difference, I want to seek God. I want
emotions. I find it so difficult to do what the speaker said, about life. To
have a heck of a day, laugh, think, and get emotionally moved to tears, be
humiliated to tears. God what must I do to live? God why am I not living? I am
still dead? Why?
June 17, 2012
Today I am writing but I have not written in a long time. I
feel so busy sometimes and so bored at other times. Again I feel that I am
going through the motions in life just joking around with my friends. Zach
doesn’t feel the same way I do. I feel like I am wasting my time at church
because nobody wants to open up again. I have sinned on multiple occasions. I
am a sinner. Lately I feel so bored sometimes, but then overwhelmed with the
amount of things I have to do. I spend my mornings at Karen Dillards preparing
for a test that I don’t care for, but I know I have to put my heart into to
learn something. How do you put your heart into something that you don’t love.
I am very blessed by God and I would like to thank him. Just like how my life
is unorganized my ideas are and I never am able to see clearly what I want or
what is planned for me. I love playing piano, but I know that I am terribly in
my form and my technique. There are so many amazing people that I could learn
from like Annie. I have had feelings for her but I am not going to talk
about that, because I believe they are superficial. I would like to learn
piano, pmemory, the republic by plato, programming, gymnastics, finish boy
scouts and I am in the midst of handling all of that on top of my SAT prep. I
waste so much time there and I don’t what to do about it other than try to find
a good use of my time there. I did not mention that I need to continue my
devotion, but I realize that I need to. That is another problem. I would like
to be active in my youth group but lately I am not. I would also like to
confess my feelings for Annie, but then again I don’t know how she feels about
me. It’s irrational more irrational than her fear of clowns. I believe that I
have stopped thinking clearly because of Annie, but clearly that’s my own
problem.
June 17, 2012
So today I read the story of Noah and the ark. I have always
wondered what they ate aboard the ark. The bigger message here though is that
the world became one that was disobedient to God, and because of their
disobedience, God struck them. God also said to Noah bring in a lot of animals
seven of every kind of clean animal a male and its mate and two of every kind
of unclean animal a male and its mate. You see here why Noah could have been
the only man able to carry out God’s mission. I believe that he did everything
exactly as God said it. If God chose any other man, they followed His
directions completely. And so the lesson is to Follow God completely down to
the last letter. I am not trying to glorify Noah. Anyone else according to the
Bible was God’s enemy and in a world of disobedience. Noah did what God said,
and God rewarded him with life and so this parallels with many things in the
Bible, such as Jesus Christ. If we completely obey His commands and law then we
will be given life, but remember that the most important one was to love and
obey the Father, and have no other gods before Him.
June 25, 2012
The reason why we should love God above all else is that if
we did decide to love something, a passion. Not only will it weather away,
disappear, dissipate, but also we are not capable of loving something forever
that will disappear, due to the fact you can’t love something forever, if it
doesn’t exist forever. The only thing that we can love forever is God, because
God is forever. That’s the kind of love that is reserved for God, and God only.
Now I am going to separate love and like. Love according to this website is
sporadic it’s the juice it is the flesh. And liking something is taking the
last bite, not with as much zest or zeal though. Actually I believe that the
website would be incorrect. Love is the last bite, and liking something is the
excitement, the heartbreak. The word love is misused in this sense. People love
stuff to show their excitement for it. Maybe we should swap the definitions,
because people do feel it is the other way around. Love is something that
should last. True love should anyway. The question is do we love things because
they make us happy? Or is it because of our love that they make us happy? And
the answer is we like things that make us happy. If nothing made us happy to
begin with why would we like it. Say a person loves dancing. Does that person
love dancing because dancing makes him happy or does dancing make him happy
because he loves it. Similar to does someone love another if he makes her
happy, or is it because she loves him, that makes her happy when she spends
time with him? I don’t know. If I do not know how to love, then how can I say I
love playing piano or I love this or that. Why does true love withstand the
test of time? Because true love is eternal, in the same way, true happiness is
eternal, because it’s not true happiness if it doesn’t last forever. What is
wrong with being sad? What if I desire to be sad? What if being sad opens my
eyes? Am I still striving for happiness yes I am. Happiness is desirable what a
man desires?
July 15, 2012
I have only recently begun to understand my friend’s
distaste for idle talk. At times, I desire to commit the folly we speak against
because of the loneliness my heart feels. I struggle to remember the fact that things
that don’t last do not have meaning in my life.
I desire to chat with Anna Lee even though it is meaningless. Maybe I
feel like I could change Anna because of the way I speak with her. Maybe I want
to fill her empty life. Maybe I want to know her as I know my true friends. I
want to know the people I meet, and I do not know the best way to carry that
out. People choose to listen to you, but only if you have listened to them
first, and even then, some refuse to listen. For that reason, I am afraid of
expressing myself to Anna or Annie. Oh how my heart desires to know them.
Solomon said he has found one man who stood upright of a thousand men, but not
one upright woman among them all. If I do desire conversation with a woman it
must be meaningful, something that I may carry in my heart forever, something
that furthers God’s will. I cannot waste my time; I have already wasted too
much, chasing after dust, chasing after the wind, as the Teacher Solomon
expresses. I just want to know them. I want to know what makes them, what they
hate, what they want, everything about them. I am only a cold metallic robot if
they do not know what makes me.
July 18, 2012
I still feel lonely. I feel as if there is no purpose in
life, when God is clearly my purpose. I feel as if I am not fulfilling my
purpose in life, because I am deeply sorrowful. I am plagued with thoughts of
idle chatter. I want to follow God, but I cannot do so if I am to talk
meaninglessly with another. I want to praise God right now because I am so
undeserving of my life, but I feel empty. I have no friends that truly
understand my feelings. Maybe I feel lonely too. I feel lonely because of the
lack of companionship that I have. Maybe I don’t want to open up to others. I
can put up a front, and be happy when they are around, but I know I am not
truly fulfilled, I do not know what it takes to accomplish this happiness, I
have forgotten, and I know it will only take God to remind me. Maybe I do feel
satisfied, but I feel sorrowful at the same time, because I have no one to
empathize with me, no one to share my feelings with.
July 18, 2012
I do not know why I hunger for the things I do. I hunger for
the approval of others. I hunger for a companion who would sympathize with me.
I have the feelings of depression, and I do not know how to react. My friend
Jonathan is flaunting his skill to the world, and I am envious of the attention
he is receiving. I am envious of him, but I see the fault that lies ahead, the
lack of fulfillment if he continues down this path. I am unsure whether I
should warn him, or not. If he is fulfilled by the approval of others, then he
will always seek it, yet people will not always give it to him; they will
forget, just because it is a common trait of man. I may not forget, but
everyone will forget. His success is short-lived. That still doesn’t tell me
how I should live my life. In Ecclesiastes, it says everything is meaningless;
EVERYTHING IS MEANINGLESS WITHOUT GOD. What is the point of doing something
that is forgotten? The acts of God are the only things that are not forgotten;
we have the Bible, we have examples of his power and providence. So I wish that
God would work through me even if it takes forever, so that I may witness His
Glory.
I am George. I
play trumpet, I do gymnastics, I am a Boy Scout, I am Christian, I play piano,
I program, I wear glasses, I have straight teeth, I have black hair, I have
muscles, I have a heart, but who am I? Who am I? I want to imitate God, so I
can be like Him? But who am I? Is my identity worthless? Probably, nothing
could compare to the identity of God. But then who is God? Who is God? We can
describe God just like how you described me, but what does that mean, in the
end did we find out who God is by describing His characteristics?
I understand that I must walk the paths of the blameless,
imitate God, and you will be like Him; there are so many temptations in this
world. I am tempted to indulge myself with idle chatter. I am so tempted to do
so, but I can’t. If I can’t, I feel like life is boring; I do not see fully
that idle chatter will change me to be ungodly, assuming that I am godly to
begin with, which I am not. God is godly, if I did anything correct, it’s only
because I imitated Him. If I said anything correct, it’s only because I
imitated His Word. My mouth is my ruin, even if I am blameless.
Writing these thoughts do provide me with a certain joy. I
am able to laugh at myself, and understand a little of why I have to follow
God’s will, God’s laws. I don’t understand completely and I probably never
will, but maybe that is what makes it beautiful.
I think that I have reestablished my relationship, just
because I poured out my thoughts, I dictated them, and now I can sleep with
more ease.
I wish I could tell things to people, but they will NEVER
understand it the way I do; it does make me feel lonely though.
July 21, 2012
Today I spoke with Beatrice about God, about the
purpose of life. I am sure I did not leave a good impression, because I was so
half-hearted in my responses. She was talking about Kevin, a pessimistic
person, and he kept asking what was the answer to life, what was the purpose of
life, everything seemed so meaningless. She said that is so pessimistic, and I
replied, but it is true. Everything is empty. Everything dies. So she said then
the point of life must be to enjoy it while it lasts, the point of life is
subjective to the person. I replied that means everyone is right in their own
way. Hitler was right for killing the Jewish people; he may have been right?!?!
That was an atrocity that Hitler committed, yet we say that everyone is right
when they discover their purpose in life. I was too half-hearted in my
responses. I did not focus on the point, I talked about Abraham Lincoln, and
random shit. I should have just mentioned the book of Ecclesiastes. Beatrice
also told me that she was safe because she has been to the Vatican, she has a
rosary. What the fuck does that do. It’s like saying I play for the Lakers just
because I wear the jersey.
July 25, 2012
Your very feelings will come and pass. They will disappear
off the face of the Earth. They will be gone forever. Forever. Your soul will
disappear among the darkness. You will see many things, but nothing will see
you. Nothing will give you love. Nothing will sense you. Nothing will be there
for you.
July 29, 2012
Here lies a photo, with beautiful, smiling faces of good
friends. But behind this façade, the truth is present. Behind all the poses,
the makeup, the idle chatter, the truth is no one will ever truly know each
other. No one will ever truly be satisfied by their meaningless pictures. They
will be forgotten. In a month, no one will cherish the photo left of them. No
one had ever held it with true appreciation. They just post on Facebook, as a
toy of pride for them to hold up and for others to like. Their lies will
crumble, it won’t last long.
July 30, 2012
It is difficult to think. It is
difficult to think every day, every hour, every second; it is difficult, but
that’s what separates us from animals. Because we think and we remember, we are
not animals. But once you stop, you are nothing more than an animal, bound to whims
of predators, bound to lust after flesh, bound to webs of lies, bound to the
world.
Consider
your ways, reflect on what you have done in your life, think. Did YOLO work?
Did you do something so magnificent, so stupendously outrageous, that it makes
your life worth living, worth remembering? Did you enjoy the cam-whoring and
the multiple “selfies", do you cherish and remember each of your photos? Do
you remember your cravings for that one cute boy last year? No, no, no, you
have forgotten everything. But what is the point of trying to remember
something worth forgetting? There is no point. There is no point in remembering
last year’s whims. There is no point in remembering the cam-whoring, the
“selfies”, the cute boys. It has no lasting value.
July 30, 2012
I believe I was sad not because of wisdom, but because I
stopped noticing life, I began to be an introvert. But wisdom does bring
sorrow, from the pity you feel for others.
July 31, 2012
How can you know what I am thinking? How can you know what I
am thinking, unless I tell you?
August 1, 2012
World Changers has been a revealing
experience for me. I have more respect towards the memorization of God’s word
because of what I learned in Covington, Louisiana. Whoever has my commands and
obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my
Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him. How could I obey God,
if I did not know his laws? How could I have said that I love God, if I didn’t
have his commands in my head, in my heart, in my flesh?
The youth pastor, who I worked said,
“I would like to see what this house looks like in a year”; he did not think
that we were really helping out the house owner. We ignored the fact that
termites gnawed away the inside of the house, while we decorated the outside of
the house. Problems like these do take time to solve, but they cannot be solved
if we refuse to confront them. I felt like we were spraying perfume on a
casket. I felt like we were putting band-aids over scars. It was a temporary
fix, but this “solution” could easily be blown over.
In my opinion, we did not help the
spiritual growth of the house owner either. World Changers is supposed to be an
organization that distinguishes itself from other organizations like Red Cross,
or Salvation Army by spiritually satisfying less fortunate people, but I didn’t
see anyone talk with the house owner, or making an attempt to. I could write
that we helped them out spiritually, but we did not. We gave them a Bible; we
did not give them reason to read it, and we did not show them how to read it.
My purpose for going to world
changers was definitely not to change the world, because I know I, alone,
cannot do it. My purpose for going to World Changers was to grow closer to God,
and to know more about him. I believe I fulfilled that purpose. I should be
happy because I accomplished my purpose, but I am not happy. I am not happy
because there may have been an ulterior purpose that I did not accomplish. I am
not satisfied, because, although, I may have been acquainted with people, I may
have joked around with them, I may have chatted with them; in the end, I
learned nothing about them. I feel like
the jokes, the ridicule, the laughing, the chatting, the picture-taking; I feel
like all those things were publicity stunts.
The people that I met were only
people I met. They were not people I knew. I do not know the old lady, who
sacrificed her time to give us lunch, as God knows her; I do not know the youth
pastor, who spoke those words to me, as God knows him; I do not know the woman,
who sat inside of her house while we toiled on the other side of her walls, as
God knows her. I did not make an honest attempt to know these people.
The amount of time World Changers
gives us is not adequate to see real change, one that lasts when you leave. The
amount of time World Changers gives us does not allow us to be patient, it does
not promote a controlled temper. Instead, because of the pressure, many people
believed that they should rely on their own strength rather than God’s, that
they could change people through their own strength, their own acts, their own
merits, but it turned on them, and only eight people converted to Christianity.
It was surprising to see that number, when there were more than two-hundred Christians
present.
Man’s whole duty is to fear God and
obey his commands. Because of this trip, I do have more respect for God, and it
is having an eternal impact on my life, that’s why I felt this trip was
meaningful.
When I sit down to write I forget my thoughts quickly. I
forget my purpose, I forget pain, I forget happiness, I forget everything, and
I am just in the moment. In that way I am like a child, I always need to learn.
So I guess you could say, “I am forever young.” I know I will forget this maybe
twenty years from now, but as an adult I will not adopt their attitude of
self-righteousness, and arrogance. Adults today believe that they know many
things, but they unconsciously forget everything they have learned. So the
knowledge that they do have is incomplete, and children are subject to listen
to their ramblings. That is a generalization; not all adults are that way, but
I wish to never adopt that attitude.
August 19, 2012
“All of us have wants
Whether it’s to get that new flashy car or own a glass house
near the beach. Have you ever wondered how you would feel after gaining such
things? Will you still feel the same type and level of happiness?
Our brains have developed a part called the
pre-frontal cortex which is also known as the
experience simulator. You get to imagine how things will turn out and how you
would feel when you are in these circumstances, even without going through the
actual experience.
When we go through something and
feel happy about it from the outside, truth is, we really are happy within.
This is known as synthesized happiness and it is up to us to decide how we
feel about certain things and occurrences in life. You won’t just up bumping
into joy, you have to be able to let yourself feel what joy truly is.
Although this is the case, it is
still difficult for us to follow this path since we aren’t very good at
imagining the possible future events and associating them with how our lives will
be. We have something that is known as an ‘impact bias’ wherein we overestimate the impact of what might happen in the future.
We have to remember that our minds have the capability to actually play a major role in how we feel,
as well as how we look at things in this world. Think about it this way, if we
were to look at the world and see a harmonious-balanced way of living, then it
would be so much easier to live, right?
There are millionaires that are
sad, and there are poor people that are happy. It is a known fact that once
you get something that you want, whether it is small I-phone, or very expensive
a house, a car, or even if it is something completely different, job you have
always wanted, the sense of happiness doesn’t last very long. This is because
happiness has to come from within.
You have the choice to think
positively, thus you also have the choice to live happily.
Earlier in the passage, it says
that happiness is a reaction. Happiness is a reaction to something that we
predict as good, but they ended it by saying happiness is a choice, it’s a
choice to think positively. They are saying people can choose to be happier.
Which I disagree with, the millionaire could have just lost his parents.
Happiness is a reaction to fulfillment of purpose. When you feel like you have
wanted that car or that I-phone and when
you get it you are happy momentarily, there is a reason why it’s only a moment,
it is a material, it will become dust, it will be forgotten
August 21, 2012
My father has upset me, and has distracted my focus. My
concentration on life has been broken for a moment. I know ultimately he is
arguing something that will get nowhere. He did say something correct, but I
know if I argue with him ultimately he is correct, because he has more
authority than me right now. He can drive, I can’t, and so that is our
relationship. He just drives me places; he is not my father, because he does
not want me as his son. If he does want me as his son, he does not show it
ever. He told me that I was wrong because I told him that I needed to go to
band too late. I didn’t notify him in time, so he wasn’t prepared. Then he
yelled at me for talking about God, without even knowing the basics of
communication. I am full of sorrow and anguish, because he had never learned.
From what I can tell, his knowledge has never increased. I wish to show him
what is correct, if he gives me the chance, but that will take a long time, and
that is not my purpose in life, my purpose in life is to listen to what God
says, and follow it, follow his commands. If he commands me to teach my father,
then I will do it, but I don’t believe He has told me to do so, because the his
Words say listen to your parents.
August 23, 2012
I don’t ever want to think of you as someone that I need to
avoid. I know you feel indifferent about me, but I don’t want you to. I don’t
want you to avoid me. I don’t want you to not care what I think. I don’t want
you to feel emotionless towards me, because your indifference is frighteningly
cold.
I always thank God for you because of his grace given you in
Jesus Christ. In him you have been enriched in every way – in all your speaking
and in all your knowledge – because Paul’s testimony about Christ was confirmed
in you.
I didn’t like you for your beauty; I know beauty fades. I
liked you because you could brighten anyone’s day, people could join in your
tomfoolery without feeling silly or stupid.
When you say that God wants
In our past meetings, I wasn’t focused on reconciling or
pulling my sin into the light, I got distracted because I wanted to make a good
impression. I lied to you when I told you I turn to the Bible when I am
tempted, because I was still afraid. I fell a great deal more after that
meeting and before that meeting.
There was a great deal of misunderstanding in our
conversations, because I had already lost my focus. When I said “argument” , I
meant “assertion”; when I said “poem I sent you”, I meant “salvation the ‘poem’
by Langston Hughes. There was definitely a general air of misunderstanding.
God exists, you’re right, “who else could have created the
world?” But wh
en you ask that, it does not give a complete answer
When you stated, “Why doesn’t Nick just give Christianity a
chance? I mean what else should he do with his time?” That was insulting;
Christianity doesn’t need to be given a chance. You don’t want Nick to end up a
lukewarm Christian, just going to church because his girlfriend does too. The
Bible is truth. If he doesn’t believe in God, that’s because he doesn’t believe
in the God that most Christians speak of.
August 26, 2012
If we live in the present, there is no point in being
burdened by the past, because it is the present that will make your future more
desirable, not that your focus should be completely the future. We eat to fill
our hunger for today, not tomorrow. I recognize that it is important to write
every day, but I have not done it. That makes me hypocritical and
double-minded, because I am not taking my own advice.
August 26, 2012
You should only question things when you have the resources
to answer such a question. Most of your time should be spent reviewing and
teaching answers. If you put it that way the soul should be separate from the
flesh, untouched by superficial emotions and physical pain. When I say this,
resources seem to always be present. I guess a big resource would be time, when
you have to answer such a question. If you do not, write it down and save it
for later, or ask a friend to ponder on it.
August 27, 2012
I am going to make it a habit now to write, because I
recognize its importance and its impact that it will have on my life. I am
deeply scared that my life reflects the lives of the ones mentioned in
overachievers, that I am a drone, taking six AP classes, because I am forced
to. I am not being forced, but the books perception of me has distorted my
perception of me. Really I shouldn’t be worried about college simply because if
I do not make it, it is not the end of the world. College should not be an obstacle
to my happiness. If college advances me in my knowledge and my appraisal of
God, then I will try my best to get to a good college. After that I cannot do
anymore. Right now I am going to examine my purposes for taking the classes
that I am taking. I want to say that I am taking everything to learn, and to
remember and to apply it in my life, but that is not the complete truth, that
is a superficial truth, or a lie. I would like to believe that that is my
purpose, but it is not.
The purpose of school is to learn. If I am not learning
then, the hours that I have spent at school have been wasted. If the teacher is
not teaching me, then the teacher is wasting their time and my time. Every
moment something needs to be remembered and learned. If the teacher thinks the
purpose is to do well on a test, then if I am not learning, it has not
fulfilled my purpose. I wish to learn. I wish to remember.
My first period is GT AP English 3. I want to be in that
class, because writing has become a requirement in my life. I wish to express
myself in a manner that is correct and concise, so the reader understands my
position, despite his judgment of me. I hope that when I walk into that class,
I will learn to have complete and full thoughts backed with empirical evidence.
I wish to speak and write the truth in that class.
My second period is band. I want to be in that class,
because like writing, music is also a form of expression. If I am feeling pain
or happiness, I wish for my music to completely embody my emotions, so the
listener will know what I am feeling exactly. I believe that band will teach me
to do that.
My third period is physics b. I wish to complete that class,
because my friend has already shown me that it is a good study of God’s
creation. It affirms my faith, and strengthens it. He has proven it to me with
the laws of physics which portray a little of God’s nature.
My fourth period is academic decathlon. I chose this period,
because I wish to learn about everything. It teaches art, speech, music theory.
Many topics that I would, otherwise, not have the opportunity to learn. This
class will allow me to apply long-term memorization.
My fifth period is statistics, I chose this last year
because I wished to be done with math.
My sixth period is calculus bc. Pre-ap precalculus was
interesting and exciting, everyday I would actually learn something new, and so
I expect calculus to be similar.
My seventh period is US history. I live in America, and it
was built with strong hands, I wish to see everything that has occurred and
know this nation’s history to affirm my opinions or change them.
I have written my reasons for why I have chosen some
classes. Some are not the right reasons, and some are, I will look back to this
and remember why I am in school.
August 28, 2012
There is no such thing as talent.
Our skills are not innate, because when we were born, what did we know? We knew
absolutely nothing. So what if we were born with an extra limb, or a bigger
brain, or larger muscles? That means absolutely nothing, because we knew
absolutely nothing when we were born.
You may ask, “What about instinct?”
However, let me ask you this, “what is instinctive to a child?” A child is born
crying, and un-knowing. As he develops, he is taught everything. He is taught
how to eat; he is taught to drink; he is taught to go potty. So what is
instinctive? I can only give you crying, because I do not who taught him how to
cry. But in everything else, he must be taught.
A person is not born Usain Bolt,
Yo-Yo Ma, or Michael Jordan; a person is not born adept, and to say that one is
talented is to say that she was born adept, that she was born this way, that
all her struggles, obstacles, and hindrances are little, are unreal, because
she was born to conquer them. That statement belittles her effort. It also
belittles your capabilities.
It conveys that whatever she
learned is too difficult to comprehend, that her knowledge was innate. Her
knowledge cannot be learned, it is too nebulous for me to comprehend. But that
is not true. For education to work, there must be a willing student and a
knowledgeable teacher, but when you believe someone is talented, you are
ignorant of the procedure of education.
People
do the wrong things simply because they do not know the right thing to do. Do
you think that Hitler in any way thought that he was wrong? If he understood what we understand today, I
have no doubt that even he would condemn himself. The first step to doing the
right thing, is to know that what you are doing is wrong, and then finding the
right thing to do, and understanding why it is the right thing to do. If you
know how to add correctly, then you will add correctly. If you know how to
subtract, you will subtract correctly. In that way, you won’t be ignorant, and
you will be able to understand what “talent” actually is.
August 29, 2012
What make emotional/spiritual events different for different
people?
Something has been bothering me, when Kristy and Annie both
say that they felt spiritually moved by others’ testimonies, how is that
different from me confessing my sins?
In my mind, I have belittled their emotional experience, but
I don’t know if I was justified in doing so.
September 2, 2012
We make decisions based on our past experiences, but we
don’t even get to choose our past experiences, yet we are held responsible for
what we do. I want to write something that will remind me for the rest of my
life, that porn/masturbation is not helpful in anyway.
I am at a point in my life where I have broken down in every
way. Surprisingly I do not feel sorry for what I have done. There is a logical
approach to quitting this addiction, as there is a logical approach in quitting
any addiction. I am not going to get emotional and say why am I not strong
enough? I am going to set some rules for myself.
The setting captives free website says I must radically
amputate, and I must study the bible. I need my laptop to study and to write
study material.
What is the purpose of life? The purpose of life is to
follow God and obey his commands completely and fully. I have been ignorant of
them, and that has only brought pain and sorrow to my life. I have not been
happy.
We say that because we fulfill our purpose, we are happy,
well I haven’t been fulfilling my purpose in life.
Truth is the prevailing factor, it wins in the end, it has
the last laugh. It is eternal, it is omnipresent, it is omnipotent. I have
challenged truth, by disobeying it, and I will be punished most likely. But
truth sent his son to die for our sins, and I don’t have to be punished. I am
already dead.
I don’t know what I am thinking anymore. So I have to
remember everything. My words are meaningless, and I have to think correctly.
So let’s start from the beginning.
Where do we get new ideas?
We are inspired, we are given them, we discover, but we
never create new ideas, we never sporadically thought of something new or
random. There is nothing under the sun that is new.
God doesn’t want everyone in heaven, he wants those that
follow his will.
I can write all of these truths, yet I still choose
ignorance. I choose to ignore God’s commands. Zach said we always want what we
think is the best for ourselves. So for what reasons did I think that pornography
and masturbation would be good for me?
1)
I believed I would be relieved of my stress
2)
I believed I needed it because I am a man and
that’s what men do
3)
I was “full”, and I needed to be emptied
What has it done for me?
1)
It has not relieved me of my stress
2)
It is not what MEN do
3)
My penis is in so much pain
4)
I have become an enemy of God
Why do I need to pursue God?
1)
He brings happiness
But I should not expect just happiness from God
God brings emotion, feeling
There are many religions that say they offer happiness, and
joy, and comfort.
But only Christianity offers eternal happiness?
When am I going to be serious about life, when am I going to
die?
I have wondered what I would do with eternal life. God
expects us to keep our sanity with eternal life. He is preparing us to leave
pain behind. I have probably made some blasphemous statements
I have wronged God by reading hentai and I have masturbated.
What I know I forget, I cannot live up to God’s expectation.
I can never live up to God’s expectation, but I deliberately doubted Him,
ignored Him, and sinned against Him. I don’t know what to do. Everything I have
done it seems I have ignored, been stupid. Every experience doesn’t seem real
anymore simply because I am no longer credible. I feel so callous. I feel so
old. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. People have struggled more than me. People
have fought more than me. People know more than me. What is God? Where is my
faith? Where am I? Who am I? Am I a sick child that watches porn, or God’s sick
child that watches porn. What am I doing to myself? Why am I so ignorant? I
feel stupid again. I should feel stupid everyday because I am stupid. My friend
called me stupid when I asked questions like what is the purpose of life? I am
so far from the truth right now.
September 2, 2012
How to quit habitual sin
Actively read, memorize, and live the bible
I can’t say anything more than that, because that is all
there is. There is nothing more. Only the bible will give true joy and
understanding.
September 11, 2012
There is this discussion about whether wanting something is
the most important variable. Well let’s define all the aspects of wanting
something. You want something because you believe it will make you happy. But
just the wanting aspect does not get you to one hundred. It only gets you
started. In the same way, I could say I love God, but unless I follow his laws
do I love God? I love God, but if I go murder, commit adultery, lust, steal,
lie, do I really love God?
To win it takes more than want, it takes know-how. We established that they. Do I love God more if
I keep more of his commands? No it’s either I love God or I don’t love God?
There is no lukewarm love, either you love someone or you don’t
September 13, 2012
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not
love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
How does love make it sound sweeter? Wrong
So how do I speak with love?
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries
and all knowledge, and I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love,
I am nothing.
The definition of love here, must mean the perfect,
everlasting love. So love must give meaning to all things, and God is love, so
God gives meaning to all things? In everything there is a purpose?
If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body
to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
You gain nothing without love. So then what is love?
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not
boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not
easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
What does love do?
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always
perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will
cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge,
it will pass away.
So Love never passes away?
For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
We don’t know everything all the truth, and we don’t
prophecy all the truth, and whatever is not complete truth is forgotten? Yet
love is truth so it remains?
But when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When perfection comes, the imperfection disappears.
As light reveals the darkness
When I was a child I talked like a child, I thought like a
child, I reasoned like a child.
What happens when you saw perfection?
When I became a man, I put my childish ways behind me.
When did you become a man, how did you become a man?
Now we see a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall
see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am
fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the
greatest of these is love.
September 17, 2012
Do you not know brothers—for I am speaking to men who know
the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives?
The law has authority over man as long as he is alive
He is speaking to people who know the law
People who know the law also know that the law cannot be
followed perfectly by a man (except for Jesus who is also God)? I think the
answer is yes
For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband
as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from that law
and is not an adulteress.
So apparently we have to die to be released from the law.
So then, if she marries another man while her husband is
still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is
released from that law and is not an adulteress, even though she marries
another man.
So we don’t break the law if we die and commit the same
action? How did we die?
So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body
of Christ, that you might belong to one another, to him who was raised from the
dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God.
When someone dies we belong to one another, we belong to the
person who died? How do we bear fruit through the death of Jesus?
For when we were controlled by the sinful nature, the sinful
passions aroused by the law were at work in our bodies, so that we bore fruit
for death.
The law arouses sinful passions?
But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been
released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not
the old way of the written code.
What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not!
Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would
not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “do not
covet.”
So the law tells us what sin is, but the law is not sin. Is
there any deeper meaning to this?
But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the
commandment, produced in me every kind of covetous desire. For apart from the
law sin is dead.
There is no sin apart from the law. So for example?
Once I was alive apart from law; but when the commandment
came, sin sprang to life and I died.
So laws actually bring death
I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring
life actually brought death.
The commandment doesn’t directly lead to death, I thought
sin does? But sin was a result of the commandment?
For sin seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment,
deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death.
So what are we and what is the law?
So then the law is holy, and the commandment is holy,
righteous, and good
So what is good brings me death?
Did that which is good, then become death to me? By no
means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in
me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become
utterly sinful.
Why do we need to recognize sin as sin?
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual,
sold as a slave to sin.
What do we do?
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do
not do, but what I hate I do.
Why?
And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law
is good.
It seems to be the trap that I have fallen into how do you
fix it?
As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin
living in me.
Are you blaming this on sin?
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is in my sinful
nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
So we have to have good things living in us to stop sinning?
Or is it because of our sinful nature that we sin?
Even though you want something it means nothing?
For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I
do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
Albert Einstein once said, insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting a different result
Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who
do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: when I want to do good, evil is
right there with me.
For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see
another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my
mind and making me prisoner to the law of sin at work within the members of my
members.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body
of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in
the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
Reasons why I am stupid
People tell me that I should focus on God’s love
But how do you focus on god’s love?
September 29, 2012
I want to tell the world that it is wrong and that they are
wrong, but I would be stating the obvious. I like Ali.
October 2, 2012
It is becoming harder and harder to write well. I don’t have
the time to force myself to write a hundred words a day, yet I am doing it
right now. It is 7:32 am and I don’t know what to say. Actually, lately, there
is this girl, Ali. I don’t know what to say to her; that was probably
a bad idea to tell her that I like her, but I’m still going to see if she wants
to go running with me. I’m going to say, “Ali, will I ever get the pleasure of
running with you?” I need to get her out of my head. So what should I think
about? Physics? Math? English? I can say that they are all very good subjects,
but I cannot focus on why they are so good. I have to focus, but my mind
“knows” what’s right, my mind is unwilling to let go of Ali.
October 3, 2012
Is the SAT Valid?
This is a really vague question and it can bring me into
multiple avenues of thought. Really it’s your decision not mine, you decide
whether or not the SAT is valid. If getting a 2400 on the SAT is your purpose
in life, sure it’s valid. If you don’t care for it, it’s invalid. You cannot
tell an artist that his job is invalid, if art gives him joy; he will disagree
with you even if his art is only enjoyed by himself. If you have no care for
the SAT, then don’t care about it, no one is stopping you. The important thing
is to find something that you care about, and perfect it, become an outlier.
This can be argued many ways, traditionalists raise the
argument, the SAT raises standards. Standards get “students” to fill seats in
schools. And these students raise the standards. This perpetual cycle, when
will the “standard” be good enough? When everyone wants to go to your school?
What kind of students are they looking for?
If you are capable of thinking, if you have time, if you
have money, then you are capable of doing well on the SAT. Not everyone has
time though. People with passions have no time to waste their lives on
something as miniscule as the SAT, but society, colleges have made it a
requirement in their admissions processes. Some haven’t, but some have.
Colleges use the SAT to “winnow good students from the bad students, to save
time.” I don’t want to go to a college that doesn’t know who I am, who is only
interested in me as a number. Are tests supposed to model the challenges that
life brings about?
Why do people at NorthLake seem condemned to failure?
Being smart is doing the right thing, you can do the right
thing anywhere you are. It’s just a matter of knowing what’s right and doing
it. Will doing the right thing get you into a prestigious school? It should, if
they care about what is right, otherwise it is a prestigious school not worth
going to. So what then is right? Wherever you are, Whatever you are given, you
must take it, and double it. Sure there is a less “likelihood” of succeeding,
but never listen to such assumptions if you know what you want to then do it.
October 4, 2012
It seems that I can depend on nobody. I am disappointed at
this, and tired. I am tired of wanting to depend on someone. I cannot even
depend on myself. My body will be unwilling if I push it too hard, so it is
necessary to find someone dependable, to which I cannot do. I can find no one
to depend on. No one will listen, will truly understand my cries for help. When
will they listen? When will someone listen? Does it begin when I listen? No,
some don’t listen, even if I listen to what they have to say, but it is
necessary for me to listen even if they do not listen, for they may speak a
grain of truth in their words, even if it is muddled with lies. Only God can
hear my cry.
October 7, 2012
What is success to me?
Success is being like Zach, but I realize that is wrong. It
is judgmental to say he is above others. Success for me would be to quit
masturbation and erotic images forever, and to pursue the things God loves
forever. God loves perfection, anything less than perfection is a bloody rag.
To be able to play trumpet flawlessly, and full of color and emotion, that
would be success. To write my thoughts clearly, concisely, and completely, that
would be success. To think through complex math problems without forgetting or
making mistakes, that would be success as well. To be able to physically
express myself with flips and somersaults, that would be a success. To be able
to control my muscles completely, that would be a success. To ignore
distractions, that would be a success. To ignore society, that would be a
success. To imitate the apostle Paul, and not waste a second of my life, that
would be success.
October 8, 2012
If emotions are logical, then they are valid, if they are
not logical, then they are not valid. For example, Jesus displayed a variety of
emotions, patience, happiness, joy, mercy, sorrow, fear, anger, all these
emotions and he was the most logical person in the world. Emotions that can be
a hindrance are emotions that are not thought out. Anger when it’s not thought
out can hurt people personally, but if it is thought out if it has a solid
foundation, like the righteous anger of Martin Luther King, or the righteous
anger of Jesus in his temple, is justified.
October 8, 2012
It is difficult to get rid of calluses. Wearing shoes that
fit, wearing gloves that fit, using moisturizer all prevent calluses. A weekly
soak and scrub will help to treat and get rid of calluses that have already
developed. Normally it takes a long time.
My heart, my mind, my soul has become calloused. They have
rubbed up against lust, and I have developed a thick skin for sin. So how do I
get rid of my callousness? It’s not going to take a day. It is going to take
forever. It is going to take forever. It is going to take a daily scrub with
the Bible and Jesus, it is going to take a life that fits, that my heart and
mind doesn’t have room to wander.
How can I say that I am disgusted with sin if I
continue to sin? I am terrified of it, I am disgusted of it, I look at what I
do and I sicken myself. But I don’t know how to stop, so how can I stop? Occupy
my mind, occupy my heart with God. God is more than enough to satisfy me.
October 8, 2012
The SAT was used experimentally in 1926. The college board,
who wrote the test, wanted the University of California to adopt it as a
prerequisite to college applications. They eventually did as their confidence
in high school transcripts diminished. As college attendance skyrocketed so did
the use of the SAT, an efficient way to narrow down applicants for college
admissions officers. In 1994 the name of the test was changed from scholastic
aptitude test to assessment test. Debate had arisen, and college board was
unsure of its measure of talent or aptitude, and after that the name has become
redundant and it’s purpose fell in relative obscurity.
College Board says that the purpose of the SAT is to measure
the student potential for academic success in college. Many things attribute to
potential though, resources, money, etc. all attribute to potential and in
short they are measuring those gleaming superficialities. It does take prior
knowledge to do well on the SAT, but that prior knowledge comes from tutors,
test preparation, etc. Money is a form of power among people. In order to
maintain a corporation, money is necessary, and people with the most money will
want their children to go to the best schools.
October 8, 2012
George you have lost your roots, You have lost your roots,
Holy Holy God, Forgive me, I need you forever.
October 8, 2012
I have been so arrogant as to say that I know the Bible
well, I know absolutely nothing about the Bible, I have not taken root in the
Bible, so I cannot understand the joy of those who have read and lived in it
forever, but I know absolutely nothing.
October 8, 2012
Bible memory or reading is not mind control or divination.
Bible reading does not make you strong, god does. Without the bible however,
god cannot make you strong. You starve yourself. If your heart is of rocky
soil, eat enough seeds of the word to break down the rocks in your heart. Make
every effort to enter the kingdom of God. MAKE every effort to enter the
kingdom of God. How do I make an effort to enter the kingdom of God? Read,
memorize the bible, and pray to god that he helps you, and have faith that when
you ask, you will receive. Our understanding of perfection changes, but
perfection never changes. Perfection never changes.
When a man believes in me, he does not believe in me only,
but in the one who sent me. When he looks at me he sees the one who sent me. I
came into this world as a light so that anyone who believes in me should not
stay in the darkness. As for the man who hears my words but does not accept
them, I do not judge him, for I did not come to judge the world but to save it.
There is a judge for the man who does not accept me and rejects my words, that
very word which I spoke will condemn him on the last day. For I did not speak
of my own accord, I have spoken everything the father has told me to speak, and
I know his commands lead to eternal life, so everything I say is just what the
father has told me to say.
Accept God’s invitation to suffer, accept god’s invitation
to his party, his thinking party. His rejoicing party. His banquet of endless
food for the mind and drink for the soul. Nothing but him can fulfill you. Do
not make an excuse for it, there is never an excuse for God. Either you don’t
do something or you do it. You cannot say I have SAT or I have School work as
an excuse to not reading the Bible. God has invited you to a banquet for your
soul, and you have declined. Don’t decline next time.
Don’t invite friends, brothers, relatives, or rich neighbors
to banquets, if you do you will be repaid you debt, if you give a banquet
invite the poor, hungry, homeless, crippled, lame and blind. And your debt will
be repaid at the resurrection. Invest now. Banquet literally or figuratively? A
banquet for the soul? A banquet for that is an investment that lasts long?
Offer people food.
October 9, 2012
Jonathan I remember you asking me, “Are emotions necessary,
they seem to protrude thinking, they seem to hinder thinking. Do they?” I
didn’t give you an answer. I apologize.
Emotions are necessary, we cannot gauge our success if we
don’t feel happiness. What is our success without it? In the same way, we
cannot know what is wrong, unless we feel sorrow over it. Emotions are
necessary, but they should not control you; they should not hinder you from doing
what is correct. Hate me, despise me, be blunt about it; Jonathan, I love you,
and it pains me to see you this way.
October 10, 2012
We can talk about the trauma of the SAT and complain on how
much time it takes, and we will get nowhere. It is a red herring, simply
because it doesn’t answer the question, “is the sat valid?” You cannot say the
SAT is invalid, because it causes me stress.
So Is the SAT valid?
As we have already stated the SAT’s purpose is to measure
the potential for academic success. Let’s dissect that statement, what is
potential? And how do you measure it? Dictionary.com defines potential as
“possible, not actual”. If that’s the case, it is possible for everyone who is
capable of thinking to succeed. You cannot say to a person that you are 85%
possible of thinking; that is what the SAT is essentially trying to do, when in
fact, if you can think, then you can succeed. Also thinking is sporadic, for
example, right before an epiphany you don’t think, “I have learned 99% of this
concept of addition, oh wow I have just had an epiphany, I now know 100% of
addition.” It’s more like, “I don’t know it, oh epiphany, wow I know it”. If
you can think, then you can think; there is no in between. In that definition,
it is invalid. Let’s not get stuck in the denotation of potential, though. Potential
could potentially mean anything, it could be resources, if you have the right
resources money, teachers, etc., you may not succeed, you may succeed,
depending on whether or not you use the resources and whether or not you use
them correctly.” People with resources have the potential to succeed.
The SAT does not measure resources though; the SAT measures
what’s on the SAT. If you know what’s on the SAT, if you understand the
concepts on the SAT, you will do well on the SAT. It doesn’t matter if you’re
rich or poor. So are the concepts on the SAT indicative of potential of doing well
in college? If algebra, geometry, writing, and reading are factors in college
freshman GPA averages, then yes the SAT is can indicate a potentially
high-scorer on college GPA. If those aren’t factors indicative of freshman GPA
averages, then no, the SAT isn’t valid based on the SAT’s definition of
success. This also doesn’t account the factor of memory, one could easily
forget everything on the SAT in a year, even if they got a 2400. Only if they
continue to practice, will the score maintain itself, which no one is expected
to do. The SAT might as well have us learn the freshman course of college, then
everyone would be “potentially successful” in college.
I’m assuming that most you know that success is not what
college board defines it as, “freshman GPA”. It is likely that the
administration of college board knows this as well. Their “purpose” was a vague
and it was made to be difficult to argue against. Which is as frustrating as
punching a cloud, or trying to pop a balloon with your fist. I’m not going to
define success either because that is not the point of this discussion, but I
will describe it. Success is very deliberate, it doesn’t just happen. Every
morning you wake up, you make a choice to succeed or not. Everyday of your
life, is testimony to whether or not you succeed. Every moment of your life,
every second is evidence to whether or not you succeed. The SAT will help, but
it’s not the end if you do well, it’s not the end if you don’t do well, it’s
the end when you die.
October 11, 2012
Our perception is reality?
As we get closer to things, they become bigger or they seem
bigger, we perceive them as larger. As we move farther away we perceive them as
smaller. To say that something is small is not a fact, but it is relative. Can
it change will we always see the same thing?
October 17, 2012
Just because people have been “taken” from you, does not
give you the right to blaspheme God. You slander his name by lying. Saying
things like “I know he is in heaven”, “I will meet him there someday”, “he has
beat me in the race to heaven”, “God takes his most beautiful angels away
earliest”, “There are people who deserve life and there are people who don’t
deserve life”, etc. This is all bullshit, touchy-feely crying for emotion
attention etc. No one knows for a fact who goes to heaven, unless you’re God or
you have died, which you probably aren’t, and to say heaven is blaspheme as
well, even the apostle paul did not know for a fact. He was free of a guilty
conscience, but he left the deciding to God and not himself. To say that
someone is going to heaven is to judge them as if you are god. Because someone
has died, it doesn’t exempt you from being stupid. I hate it especially when
people talk about something they don’t know about. For example Cameron, he may have good intentions and all, but who is he to decide that
Jacob lived, Jonah lived, Jakhric lived, and other people
don’t? he has assumed something that he doesn’t know.
October 23, 2012
God, my soul longs for you,
My heart is anguish over what I have done against you,
My tears fall because of my lack of strength in you,
My shoulders sag because of my lack of faith in you,
Sustain me, God
With your life giving breath
With your pristine gushing well
Sustain me, God
With your words
Mine are but a whisper in the wind
But your calls are greater than trumpets
More humbling than thunder
Stronger than the Lion’s roar
I am desperate for you God
Come to me,
Hear me
November 2, 2012
God I am so angry
I am angry with myself
I am frustrated
I am tired
I lost
FUCK the world
Fuck Mr. Mason
Son of a Bastard
He wastes so much of my time
And yells at people for wasting his time
There is no point in me marching during class
I HATE IT
I abhor it
It is such a hindrance
November 11, 2012
It’s been a while since I have sat down to write out my
thoughts. I want to say and believe that I have accomplished something within
the time since I last wrote, but I have not. Our band did not do its best, it
placed fifth in the State Competition. I have forgotten how to think.
Just today I have found out how much 10000 hours is. Malcolm
Gladwell may be able to say, in order to master a technique, you must perform
it for 10000 hours, but I could not fathom that amount until today. It takes
years, 4 if you’re lucky, but for me it will probably take 10 years to complete
those 10000 hours. Ten thousand hours for what?
I’m considering
Trumpet
This is too long, I'll continue this later.
